Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Only Way Out Is In!!!

Hola! Como estan?! Miss me?! I hope so…I liked to be missed! When I hear “I miss you”, for me it is what I imagine heroine to feel to a dope head shooting up! Uhhhhhh….too much?  Well, for what its’ worth, I missed you guys too! And to those who reached out to find out why I haven’t written a blog in awhile, gracias! I am happy and grateful that you guys appreciate my opinions and writing. Hopefully this blog comes in at the right time for you as I feel it has for me. Mostly, because this topic has been looming around in my head for the past couple of weeks. So I said to myself,  “Self…maybe it is time to try to undo the knots in my brain and have this make sense.” And here we are.  So again, gracias! I missed you guys!

Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows how prideful I am. I mean, have you met my mother and father?  But besides that, the pride I am talking about es el orgullo de mi cultura. Mi Raices! Dominicano Soy!!! Bred and raised in my culture, I represent my roots to the fullest where ever I go. I’m rooted more than a sancocho con toda la verduras!!!  So naturally, when I moved to Cali, I took it with me. Without going into too much detail, I struggled here in Cali with not having the constant presence of my culture around me. But eventually, it came out from deep within my soul. Through my extended family here in Cali, music, food (it did up my cooking skills 10 fold!), I found my culture tucked away between missing my immediate family and a bottle of Brugal! Suena! But that’s a whole other blog. Again…Quisqueya hasta la guida!

One of the pinnacle moments of re-invigorating my sense of culture and pride was when I read ‘The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao” by Junot Diaz.






Recommended to me by some very talented writers and artists, I embraced the book as a mother would a child. It became a piece of me. I don’t think I had ever connected with a book as much as I had with this one. And mind you, being away from home just intensified the importance of the book to me. So naturally, I became the Junot Diaz groupie. Recommending the book to everyone I knew! Reading anything he put out, going to forums, discussions, readings, interviews, plays, etc.  Anything relating to the book, I made an effort to go. It just had that type of impact on me. Sure it helped that DR was all over it but I have to admit, for that moment in time I don’t think I realized the actual impact it had on me. I connected from the first paragraph. The book definitely intensified the embracing of my roots and culture, but it did more than just that. The story, the cultural references and facts about DR were already familiar to me. But the “real” impact  went deep, way deep.
Fast forward to now. The book has come back to me. Kind of like a zombie resurrecting from its’ grave trying to eat my brain! In a good way though, I mean…not like eating brains is good…or maybe it is….but its’ a metaphor...you know? OH, you get it! It returned to my life to remind me of the “real” impact it made when I was unconscious of it. I had recommended the book to one of my friends and when she finished reading it, it has been an all out "mental interperative dance" of the mouth.  Discussing our interpertation of all subject matters the book puts out; love, trauma, relationships, sacrifices, crazy ass families, cross cultural curses (FUKU!). And relating them to our own experiences. More discussion. Contrast, Compare. Disect. Discover. Revalation: Dysfunction is a muthafuka!!!!

So, how can i best discribe how deep it went. Well, I'll let Yunior tell you
 
So, which is it? you ask. An accident, conspiracy or fukú? The only answer I can give you is the least satisfying: you’ll have to decide for yourself. What’s certain is that nothing is certain. We are trawling in silences here.”
Yunior, p. 243

So without sounding too "Matrix-y", here's my point. During my struggle, I was looking for answers. Answers to why things were the way they were. Did I make the wrong choices? Was I going to succeed? How the fuck did I end up so far away from home? Trying to make sense of all that exsisted at that present time and what I thought was going to happen. But I realized that all I had to do was.....nothing. 

Nothing but just sit with it.

Hard to do when I am a man with so many words and so many questions. I can barely lay in silence when I'm sleeping. But it definitely brought into focus that maybe, just maybe I didn't need to have all the answers. Maybe I just needed to sit and think...in silence. Maybe not having "silence" was my "fuku" and accepting it was my "zafa". Ugh....fuck you Junot! In a good way....

So here I am now, in another struggle but with a new vision. A new perspective. Hopefully strong enough to break a cycle that has been in my family for years.  The book put out the idea, and it left me to interpert it on my own. As any good book should.

Diablo loco....Great fucking book.

Let's see what your next book does for me. Heard its' about "love" again....

Coño! Ya yo veo!!!!!!! :p