My Most Intimate Relationship

I can talk about relationships all day. The ability to share, listen, enjoy, debate.....it is intriguing to me. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships but just relationships amongst people; family, friends and the bond that they share. I have come to realize the gravity relationships have on people in their lives and how much of an intense interest I have in discussing them. Maybe it is because I'm so far from those that I love? Maybe it is because I am paying much more attention to the relationships around me? But even then, most of the recent conversations revolve around how to grow and build on them. Also to figure out what works and what does not. It has been a critical part in my work these past 10 years; to learn, grow and build relationships with young people. I've learned that it is essential, not only for work but in life; to learn about the relationships you keep and hold. It also helps to understand how many different types there are. For example in my life, I have many but each one is treated and handled in different ways. For instance, how I treat my relationship with a young person as a mentor is different than the one that I have with my friends; so on and so forth. Basically, this is all extremely interesting and fascinating to me.

Lately, I have been in "relationship discussion" over load. Don't get me wrong its' not a bad thing but I have been surrounded by many conversations and mind-numbing thought processes that have left me dizzy, literally. Most of these discussions have been insanely intense. Some discussions have been in dealing with difficult partners, some in dealing with feelings and opinions that contradict personal values. Others have been in trying to find ways of identifying these personal relationships and giving them labels, like "friend", "best friend", "best-best friend", (I never really got the idea of "best-best" :p). Tears have been shed, crude truths have been exposed and patience has been tested. All in all, these have lead to long hours on the phone or 2 drink minimums. But point is, the topic of relationships is a complex and sensitive one.

So naturally, when my co-workers and I collaborated with a local health center to provide the young men in our program with a workshop in building healthy relationships, I was all in! (For the kids of course.....really.....its' for the kids.) Now, granted I consider myself to be a "self-proclaimed" guru in the area of building healthy relationships (To my credit, I recently had a 3-hour conversation about conditional/unconditional love and I got a SADE BRING ME HOME LIVE DVD for my insight....WINNING!!!) but let's face it,  as amazing as I think I might be....I don't know everything. I need some work. Especially now that my recent romantic relationship took me off guard and put me in a hole. So, I need to pull out that old toolbox and start working on some stuff that needs some tightening and re-touching. So, workshop time!  Let's go to the basics.

(For all you aspiring MFT's, Social Work or Psych Majors, this is based on the CERTS model) Reference check!  http://www.healthyplace.com/sex/good-sex/the-certs-model-of-healthy-sex/

  

Aspects of A Healthy Relationship

1. Communication - Not to brag but I have said this countless times in many of my relationships (including self, friends and especially romantic) if you can't talk about it, its' all bad. Once communication breaks down between 2 people, the ability to understand each other goes out the window. I think that is why at times, silence scares me. :p I always have something to say but it is mostly in part because I strongly believe that if we can talk to each other thru healthy conversation,  the relationship can become strong! So talk it up people! HABLEN COÑO!!!!
2. Equality - "What is good for the goose, is good for the gander." I believe in a well balanced relationship. Well, I am a Libra, So I do believe in balance of "all" but specifically relationships. I do get annoyed when specific gender roles are given in a relationship and people are held to them (Nuestra cultura haces esto demasiado!) Fair is fair. No one should be held to different expectations than the other person in a relationship. I've seen too many lop-sided relationships in my life, and most have ended badly. Those that haven't ended have lost the next point rather quickly!
3. Respect - The moment you lose respect for the person in your relationship, all other aspects crumble.  Learning to value a persons' opinion, ideas, feelings and not force your own is a sign of respect. As 2 individuals in a relationship there are times you will not see eye to eye on issues. This is what makes us independent within relationships, but we still have to respect this ideal if we want the relationship to work. You can agree to disagree, but still respect each other to build a strong relationship.
4. Trust/Confidence - This is a tough one, especially to those who have been "burned" in the past by others. I was in a long distance relationship recently and I remember my girlfriend asking me "How do you know I am where I say I am or I am with who I say I am with?" I basically answered " I have to have faith and confidence in what you tell me. If I don't have that, then we don't have a relationship." This has always been a tough one for me because I have been burned many times. But I have learned that in order to rebuild trust, I have to have faith that the people I allow to be close to me won't violate it. Tough but true.
5. Secure/Safe - If you don't feel safe in a relationship, GET OUT! Plus, its bad for the sex. :p The people that you surround yourself with should always be aware of their safety as well as your own. If people truly care for you, they will be sure to do what they can to secure your safety. People who are self destructive sometimes aren't great at this. I mean really, what is good about a relationship in where the person next to you could care less if you are there or not?

While all of these go into way more depth, I keep these ideals close to me when ever I look into my relationships. I learned these aspects a long time ago during my first therapy session, and they stayed stuck in my head ever since. Its funny how they have come back at a time and place where I needed to be reminded of them. Life is funny that way. That is why I decided to write this blog. Because I needed to remind myself (and probably some of my readers) that one of the most intense and meaningful relationships you can ever have in your life is with yourself. Think about it, all the above have to apply to yourself first. I never saw it that way back in the day. But now....because of it, I have become 10 times stronger, 10 times more powerful.....and now 10 times more loving! That is why my most intimate relationship is with myself. Punto. :)

I mean, let's keep it real....

How could you ever be in a loving healthy relationship, if you don't love yourself first? :) 

Next up: Love and Sex!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!