Daddy Duties...

As Father's Day has come and gone; the memories of “the day of dad” dwindle into past lore, I feel obligated to share my thoughts and help preserve the memories for dear ol' dad. It has been an on-going journey for me of what it is to be a father; who feels that he is "not yet complete". More so a "work in progress" The memories and adventures that I have built within these past 8 years of fatherhood has given me a surge of inspiration to share my opinions of what it is to be a father. Especially a father who has to co-parent in separate households. I have had many conversations with friends alike who are in similar situations of "co-parenting". We agree it isn't an easy task. especially for dads. I believe that father's get the short end of the stick in the world of parenting. Mostly in part because of the "single-mom household epidemic" which plagued the past decades but also the stigma of "deadbeat" dads that spread like wildfire in prior years. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch applies here. Thing is, there are father's like me who have done the opposite of what was to be expected. And honestly, it takes a lot of work. Mentally, Emotionally, Financially, Physically. You name it. These are things that take a toll on a man, let alone a father. Don't get me wrong, they do on mother's as well, 10 fold even. But today, I'm just talking about dad's right now, a father's day....My day.
7 years ago, I traveled 3,000 miles to perform what I believed was the "right" thing to do, help raise my son. I left a lot, I left my life, my family and my home. This level of self-sacrifice is what I believed was (and is) good parenting. It was necessary. I remember telling my mom I was moving to California, she freaked. Tears, silent treatment, tears again. A very long, emotionally drawn out process. My dad on the other hand basically asked me one question, "Are you sure?" When I said "Yes" he basically followed up with "What do you need help moving?" At this point, I understood that there were 2 totally different perspectives of parenting. 2 different styles. I grew up 1/4 of my life in a 2 parent household, while the other part was a split between chaos and mayhem of "co-parenting". Mostly dysfunctional but I was old enough to recognize the pros and cons of it. While my mom bitched and complained about parenting technique, my dad seemed non-phased or at least gave the appearance of it. I didn't know what he felt, he rarely discussed parenting. He just pretty much did it. Movie here, Park there, Eat here, Play there. Hug, love. Until the next time. Not much of a disciplinarian, he just gave a "look". It said a lot, struck fear in the heart even if he wasn't a violent man. He wasn't a stringent man, just a stubborn one. My dad tried to enjoy life as much as he could with what he knew and had. No complaints, just do it and move on. All in all, a good dad; even with all the defects and glitches life gave him. I didn't expect words of wisdom from him when I moved but now that I look back at it, it was enough.  I recognized that this is how he fathered and little did I know they reflected back to me as who I would be as a father.

I look at my son everyday and wonder "Man, did I fuck him up?" His mom and I lasted only one year after moving to Cali. He was only 2 then but I still would ask that question from time to time. His mom does the best she can, but honestly, I couldn't expect her to hold down the responsibilities of what I was supposed to teach him. Sure, moms can help raise young boys but in my experience, they can't teach them to be men. I wound up spoiled by my mom. Not only did I have powers of the "first born" but I was mommy's little prince. She guarded me, protected me, provided and took care of me with everything that she was. "Yo soy mas madre que mujer...." (I am more mother than I am woman....) was her battle cry. And she sang it with pride!! The paladin of my life, my protector. Problem was... the qualities she showed were that from a perspective of a mother. Not a father. Big difference. My dad was that the warrior to her paladin. All action, few words. Through-out my whole life, my dad was there. Not at home but in presence. He always made sure that I knew he was there. You see, my dad made it very clear to me thru his actions that he would be "there" even if we couldn't find him. His struggles took him on his own journeys but his presence was always felt with me. Thru divorce, drinking, drugs, etc. My dad showed me what a man does when he is a father, with few words, all actions even thru all the bullshit. I got the message; "I will always be your dad, I am here." And when his hypocrisy trumped his philosophy, he bandaged it up with "No hagas lo que yo hago, hagas lo que digo." (DO as I say, not as I DO). A man of action and few words who said not to do what he does but to do what he says. As crazy as it sounds, it worked. In more ways than one.

Fathers are a critical piece in our children's lives, we fill the void between Mother and child. We shape our children's views of what a man is and what they should be like in this world. The qualities that we show our children are just as valued as a mother’s even if we aren't around. Young boys/men often look up to other men to have an idea of how to think, act and show the world what a man is like. Young women often look to their fathers as templates of what men are and what they represent in their lives. Children see their father’s as examples of what to be and what to look for in men. (The absence of this being called "Daddy Issues" in ghetto tales and not just a stigma singled out for women) Fathers are vital, And our duties as dads go a long way in our children's lives. Especially our young boys. My dad's philosophies and ideals as a father weren't perfect, but they worked. I consider myself to be a good father, My efforts are recognized on Father's Day on a national stage but honestly, it is recognized everyday. Everyday that I am with him, play with him, hold him, talk to him. Just letting him know, I am there.....for him.

Daddy duties shall continue no matter where life takes me.