Here's My Mixed Tape! !! I'm Da Best DJ!!!!

I love D.J.'s. I grew up around DJ's most of my life. My cousins' were DJ's, my friends were DJ's, I was just constantly surrounded by the culture. And what I especially loved about hanging with DJ's (besides sharing in all the sounds) were the discussions that happened about music. It almost seemed endless on where you can go in these conversations. We would spend hours talking music; which blends were our signatures, what was "hot" right now, technique in crafting our tapes...it was DJing 101, 201, 30, 401 all day everyday!
The beauty of these conversations in my opinion were the mixtapes. Now, in this day and era a mixtape is usually found on a cd or mp3. Naaaaaaaaaaaaah man, I mean "MIXED TAPE"!

For all you young bucks and new "Super Digital DJ's" (Not hating, I like the medium and use it...:P) A mixed tape was a DJ's calling card. His signature, his way of showcasing his talent to the masses without the party. These were crafted rigorously all day everyday. I remembered we would spend hours trying to perfect our mixes. Editing your mixes was unheard of at one point. Sometimes we would have to go thru marathon sessions to get thru a 30-45 minute set without going off beat or fucking up a scratch! If we did....."AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCK!! WE GOTTA START AGAIN!" Fun times! But the finished product was the reward. My best memory was taking that freshly made tape, playing it on my boombox and hitting the street! The power of your creation was transformed as soon as it hit the street. People would gather around, start boppin, dancing, feeling the blends and eventually they would ask...."Yo, Who made this?!?!" It felt sooo good to say it! "I did." That sense of creating something and people enjoying it. That's the element that made me fall in love with DJing. I was hooked forever.

If your mixed tape was felt, people wanted it. Then I would have to "dub" it and give it to people. I never charged for mine but as time passed, DJ's did. In my opinion, It was pretty special if a DJ gave you one. I think it was almost as if to say <in a Morgan Freeman voice> "You are worthy of my creation!" Plus, DJ's would put their own personal touches. I personally would graff all of mine and title them. But each DJ had his own niche and would add his or her own creatvity to them. Some would be spray painted, some would use "White-Out" (I never got that but....to each his own!), glitter markers, stickers.....I could go on and on. I prefered black markers, permanent markers. Just to make sure NO ONE took mah shit! :p DJ's just went all out on them! Mad Fun Yo!!

The Mixed tape also showcased your talents to other DJ's and the battles of the best mixtape would ensue! "YO! You heard AL KRAZE's mixed tape? That shit is FRESH!!!!!!!!" Yeah but you heard PT's mixed tape?!?! That shit is PHAT!" Oh man, mixed tapes flying everywhere letting the neighborhood know "Who's the best DJ?!?!?" The mixed tape pitted DJ vs. DJ. This is where it got heated but the benefits would be be legendary. I remember DJ's setting up block parties, hookey parties, outlaw parties, apartment parties, party, party, PARTY!!!!!!!!!!! I remember just setting up anywhere we could find an outlet and an open space! BOOM! Party! Once a party was announced, POW, the DJ entourage would show up. In my particular crew we had an "Offical Amp Watcher" (they would make sure your volumes didn't over heat the amplifiers....seriosu stuff :p) and "Offical Crate/Record Carriers". A lot of work went down with these parties from promotion to location! These were the DJ's stages and they would determin who would be the best DJ. Again, the results...legendary parties. These urban legends would emerge and the tales of these parties would linger thru the neighborhood like the smell of hot summer city garbage. MAD FUNKY!!!!!!!!

I would live for it, day in and day out! I would be on the look out for the next party or next gig. And if one didn't come, FUCK IT, LET'S MAKE ONE!!!!  And at these parties, we would pop open the tape deck, put in that fresh cassette and hit the record for the LIVE and DIRECT!

<Rustling of the mic heard on the tape> "YEEEAH! THIS THE DJ AL KRAZE ON THE WHEELS OF STEEL! LET"S TAKE YOU ON A RIDE!!!!!!!!" LET'S GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing beat that feeling, till this day...I still get that surge. That feeling of enjoyment while I play and create....that mixed tape....

I'm Da Best DJ....:)

I Surrender....

I swear I have been ramming this video down my friend's throats since one of my besties sent it to me. I watch or think of it almost every week, its' borderline an obsession. Pretty soon, I'm going to be able to recite it word for word. It is a "heady" video which is why she sent it to me. I love shit like this!!

If you haven't, you must :)

It talks about human connection, behaviors and thoughts that are rarely spoken about - how we use them to make connections and learn more about fear, worthiness and my personal favorite.....love. She was doing research on shame and vulnerability which had her realize certain things in her own life. As often we do in our lives, when we experience these epiphanies as she has, it can change our view of the world and how we handle it going forward.

First off, let me just say that growing up in my household, their existed a realm of things you just don't talk about. I especially encountered this when I would try to ask my parents about things like sex, their personal history or on-going family drama. It was almost a sin to discuss and when I often asked questions,  the only comment that followed was "never question your mother and father". Ugh, I hated that. Especially being the person that I am. Always asking questions, always trying to get to the root of things. Plus, I wear my emotions on my sleeves so....double ugh. Anyway, I connected to this video on such a personal level. It made so much sense, hit to my core because I have felt "vulnerable" and "fear" countless number of times in my life, including now. I have also watched my family and people I love struggle with the idea of embracing fear and vulnerability. They struggle hard with it and have such a hard time saying they are sorry. It pains me. I understand no one wants to deal with pain but....to sit with it and live in it?.....It hurts me to see/hear that. It leaves an unsettling feeling in my stomach.

The ability to feel is natural. Negating what we feel and ignoring our emotions are what I believe causes our pain. I know that in my last relationship, this was a common discussion. During my life time, I have learned to embraced what I felt but can understand how painful it can be not to. I just developed an ability to talk about it and work thru it because I know it helps to get out the pain. Some people just don't like talking about what they feel because it reminds them of pain. I guess that's why I am constantly "talking" about how I feel, what we feel and blah blah blah. :) Even thought the world doesn't revolve around our emotions, it does make a world of difference on how we see it. Even if it is too painful, I talk thru it. I always encourage my loved ones to. I just know its hard to put ourselves in that realm of being vulnerable. It subjects us to so much if we have had it rough or haven't dealt with our issues, our pain...but then again, what doesn't subject us to pain in this world? We can't guarantee that we won't be hurt.

At times, I feel as if I am constantly looking for a guarantee and the need to "predict and control", so am I truly living within the path of whole heartiness? At times, I believe I do let that control go, I believe that's why I am out here in Cali. I felt I took risks and chances because I know that within the journey, I would open myself to joy and possibly happiness. But now I understand that there is no guarantee just because I do, There is so much that I've learned because of the journey of embracing the risks. Whether it be a new job, a new home or even a relationship, entering whole-hearted without fear has its advantages.

I'm still learning as I go and that's the beauty of it. I have many friends who say the most amazing things about me; who encourage me, love me and continuously praise my efforts. They tell me constantly, and honestly I am humbled every time I hear it. Making me feel vulnerable. After their praises, what sets in is probably what my biggest struggle is right now.....fear.  There is a lot that I fear, but then again those of us who have grown up in trauma do; constantly. I just have to keep reminding myself to embrace the fear, embrace being vulnerable and understand that guarantees can only happen at Best Buy or car dealerships (and even those aren't 100% secure :)). Its' hard....God knows its hard. But I'm going to continue to try. I have done it. A lot. And I will continue to do it...

Fear...I Surrender...

Now off to see "Brave"!!!

Music Soothes The Savage Beast....

I've been in quite a funk these past few months. Life's hitting hard; heart-break, home-sick, pennies running tight....just struggling mentally, emotionally. I've been trying to find many ways to occupy my time to keep the "fuku" from coming in. Reading, writing, walking, talking, re-connecting with old friends.  Actually, this whole blog is part of my self-medication, but one thing that has been essential to helping me cope and deal with life's bullshit has been music. I don't know what I would do without it. Music has represented such an important part of my life and struggles, then and now. I always turn to it. It has been THE best relationship I have ever had! Sure, we have had our ups and downs, but it is always there to give me what I need, when I need it. It tells me what I want to hear at the right times and also tells me what I don't need to hear. BAH!!!  Aye mi musica, como te adoro!!!

This morning, I wasn't feeling like myself. Angry, mad at the world. I was already regreting the day before it started. Yeah, one of those. As I was getting my son ready for his day at camp, I was recalling a song that I couldn't get out of my head since yesterday. You know those moments when you hear a song and it just doesn't stop playing in your mind? This song hsa been in there since Yesterday!!!!!

I started to play it in the car. <Interactive experience option at this point...play the video>

My head starts to bop. I start to hum softly and my hands start to tap on the streering wheel. My senses are hightened. I can tell because the sun feels bringther, I feel every bump on the road from my hands to my feet. I roll down the window to catch the breeze as I speed up. My eyes open wide.  I start to feel good, I'm in tune. My mind has just been emancipated from the daily struggle. I'm in the zone....I have been submerged in Michael and Stevie's world by way of Quincy. The last thought on my mind is of pain and hurt. Now, it is all about the feeeling. The beat. The mood...

"...I can't help it....."

Then I remembered this video my friend sent me. Its about how a therapist at a nursing home gave her seniors I-Pods to listen to music they enjoyed.

"So, In some sense Henry has restored to himself...he has remembered who he is and he's reaquired his identity for awhile throught the power of music." (4:58)







I felt like Henry. I did. For those 5 minutes of Michael, I felt like I was brought back into myself. It made me happy, it made me want to share what I felt. I felt whole! Not a care in the world....

And THE defining moment of my ride and realization of the power of music.....

"Daddy, can you play that song again?"

Te adoro mi musica!!! I can't help it....

Daddy Duties...

As Father's Day has come and gone; the memories of “the day of dad” dwindle into past lore, I feel obligated to share my thoughts and help preserve the memories for dear ol' dad. It has been an on-going journey for me of what it is to be a father; who feels that he is "not yet complete". More so a "work in progress" The memories and adventures that I have built within these past 8 years of fatherhood has given me a surge of inspiration to share my opinions of what it is to be a father. Especially a father who has to co-parent in separate households. I have had many conversations with friends alike who are in similar situations of "co-parenting". We agree it isn't an easy task. especially for dads. I believe that father's get the short end of the stick in the world of parenting. Mostly in part because of the "single-mom household epidemic" which plagued the past decades but also the stigma of "deadbeat" dads that spread like wildfire in prior years. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch applies here. Thing is, there are father's like me who have done the opposite of what was to be expected. And honestly, it takes a lot of work. Mentally, Emotionally, Financially, Physically. You name it. These are things that take a toll on a man, let alone a father. Don't get me wrong, they do on mother's as well, 10 fold even. But today, I'm just talking about dad's right now, a father's day....My day.
7 years ago, I traveled 3,000 miles to perform what I believed was the "right" thing to do, help raise my son. I left a lot, I left my life, my family and my home. This level of self-sacrifice is what I believed was (and is) good parenting. It was necessary. I remember telling my mom I was moving to California, she freaked. Tears, silent treatment, tears again. A very long, emotionally drawn out process. My dad on the other hand basically asked me one question, "Are you sure?" When I said "Yes" he basically followed up with "What do you need help moving?" At this point, I understood that there were 2 totally different perspectives of parenting. 2 different styles. I grew up 1/4 of my life in a 2 parent household, while the other part was a split between chaos and mayhem of "co-parenting". Mostly dysfunctional but I was old enough to recognize the pros and cons of it. While my mom bitched and complained about parenting technique, my dad seemed non-phased or at least gave the appearance of it. I didn't know what he felt, he rarely discussed parenting. He just pretty much did it. Movie here, Park there, Eat here, Play there. Hug, love. Until the next time. Not much of a disciplinarian, he just gave a "look". It said a lot, struck fear in the heart even if he wasn't a violent man. He wasn't a stringent man, just a stubborn one. My dad tried to enjoy life as much as he could with what he knew and had. No complaints, just do it and move on. All in all, a good dad; even with all the defects and glitches life gave him. I didn't expect words of wisdom from him when I moved but now that I look back at it, it was enough.  I recognized that this is how he fathered and little did I know they reflected back to me as who I would be as a father.

I look at my son everyday and wonder "Man, did I fuck him up?" His mom and I lasted only one year after moving to Cali. He was only 2 then but I still would ask that question from time to time. His mom does the best she can, but honestly, I couldn't expect her to hold down the responsibilities of what I was supposed to teach him. Sure, moms can help raise young boys but in my experience, they can't teach them to be men. I wound up spoiled by my mom. Not only did I have powers of the "first born" but I was mommy's little prince. She guarded me, protected me, provided and took care of me with everything that she was. "Yo soy mas madre que mujer...." (I am more mother than I am woman....) was her battle cry. And she sang it with pride!! The paladin of my life, my protector. Problem was... the qualities she showed were that from a perspective of a mother. Not a father. Big difference. My dad was that the warrior to her paladin. All action, few words. Through-out my whole life, my dad was there. Not at home but in presence. He always made sure that I knew he was there. You see, my dad made it very clear to me thru his actions that he would be "there" even if we couldn't find him. His struggles took him on his own journeys but his presence was always felt with me. Thru divorce, drinking, drugs, etc. My dad showed me what a man does when he is a father, with few words, all actions even thru all the bullshit. I got the message; "I will always be your dad, I am here." And when his hypocrisy trumped his philosophy, he bandaged it up with "No hagas lo que yo hago, hagas lo que digo." (DO as I say, not as I DO). A man of action and few words who said not to do what he does but to do what he says. As crazy as it sounds, it worked. In more ways than one.

Fathers are a critical piece in our children's lives, we fill the void between Mother and child. We shape our children's views of what a man is and what they should be like in this world. The qualities that we show our children are just as valued as a mother’s even if we aren't around. Young boys/men often look up to other men to have an idea of how to think, act and show the world what a man is like. Young women often look to their fathers as templates of what men are and what they represent in their lives. Children see their father’s as examples of what to be and what to look for in men. (The absence of this being called "Daddy Issues" in ghetto tales and not just a stigma singled out for women) Fathers are vital, And our duties as dads go a long way in our children's lives. Especially our young boys. My dad's philosophies and ideals as a father weren't perfect, but they worked. I consider myself to be a good father, My efforts are recognized on Father's Day on a national stage but honestly, it is recognized everyday. Everyday that I am with him, play with him, hold him, talk to him. Just letting him know, I am there.....for him.

Daddy duties shall continue no matter where life takes me.

You See, What Had Happened Was....

....I felt the need to be heard.

Ah, finally. the blog-a-sphere! I think this is my 3rd attempt at it. Kept putting it off because of this thing called life but then again, that's just an excuse. I am attempting to start this thing off and continue to partake in it as often as I can. Briefing you with the happenings and the often opinionated points of view I have of daily events (or weekly, depending on my moods). I have been suggested by friends that I should keep a blog going since they were interested in many things I had to say in various different realms. Honestly, they just asked me questions about my personal quotes/theories and told me to write about them. So here I am. Writing. Putting in words the things that make my head hurt. My daily experiences, grievances and opinions about about love, relationships, things I read, daily occurrences, my culture and then some. Really, there is no holds barred since I think I am pretty interesting if I do say so myself. I know some may agree. Not all but some :) ..... well, so I have been told. Hopefully my readers will too.

So let this be the first of many posts about the in/outs of my days and the journey that is me. Feel free to comment, critique and post with your hearts desire. My need to be heard can only be complete with the voice of the many that flock to my blog! So please, join in and have fun! I know I will. :)