Digital Disaster, Recovery: Re-birth....

Ok, I feel like I can talk about it now. So here it goes....

When it happened, I guess I was in such a state of shock that all I could really do was weep and moan. As a matter of fact, I was told I was curled up in a fetal position mumbling some non-sense. It wasn't the first time it had happened but it was just as painful as the last. Luckily both times, I had a back-up which saved at least 75% of my music, but I had to recoup the rest. So, the rebuilding started on the "Date of Death" which I will refer to from this point on as "DoD".

DoD - 9/8/12 - Saturday/Early Sunday

CRASH!!!!!!!!! I saw it hit the floor. My heart dropped and my buzz faded faster than a black t-shirt from "Bueno, Bonito Y Barato". I swear everything around me stopped. Voices became muffled, time stopped. Total mind chaos was about to happen. The crazy part was that the last time it happened, it dropped on the same exact spot! No fucking joke! I think my mind flashed both Hard Drives in my head just to fuck with me. It was from that point that I couldn't get the image out of my head. I heard myself saying "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit....."

I don't know how fast I moved to pick up the Hard Drive, but it felt slow! I remember picking it up, my eyes glued to it. I think I caressed the fucking thing as I brought it closer to me! I might have chanted a spell as I stroked it in hopes of bringing it back to life. "Por favor, por favor, por favor...."

Connect...no hum, Faint beeping. I put the warm casing to my ear. No vibe, no pulse....just beeping. I keeping plugging and unplugging as if this would create new life. No go. I rub it again, chanting more...still.

I think this is where I curled up....

As a DJ, this is a constant reminder on why the digital era is the gift and the curse! The gift of digital: No more crates to carry! The curse: DoD. I imagine shit like that happening to all DJ's who use digital format. I can only imagine those who don't back their music up on separate drives. Either way though, Loss is Loss, no matter how you put it. It is real hard to handle the loss of something you love. In my case, I lost what I love dearly. And it hurt, Again.

First time, I lost it all. Second time, I lost most of it. Third time I didn't lose as much. Now....I saved most of it. I'm getting better! :)

Time to Recover.

Since it wasn't the first time it happened, I had a strategy in place. So here's the optimism in this blog: Recovery: Rebirth. As mad as I was, and as hard as it was not to re-live the whole thing over and over, I made it a goal to recover my music. The last time I had backed up that Hard Drive was April 1st, 2012. 6 months and a couple of days. A lot of time, a lot of music. Let's get started.

I said it once, I'll say it again. Music is the best therapy. I went through moments in time with every song. Remembering when I got the song, why I picked it, why I played it. Using my browser history as reference to the points of dates. (You see, there is good in not erasing your browser history! :p) Getting mad, getting happy. I furiously started this road to recovery in hopes of getting ALL of my music back. And honestly, it has helped deal with my frustration and anger of losing what I love. I was getting back what I wanted piece by piece. Just that now, I had to re-configure and re-organize. Next: Creating new play lists.

I got most of what I lost. Not all, but most. I still have more to go. And its' going to take awhile. But good thing that I know how to do it. How to recover what I had once lost....

I got to get another Hard Drive. You know....just in case.

The Only Way Out Is In!!!

Hola! Como estan?! Miss me?! I hope so…I liked to be missed! When I hear “I miss you”, for me it is what I imagine heroine to feel to a dope head shooting up! Uhhhhhh….too much?  Well, for what its’ worth, I missed you guys too! And to those who reached out to find out why I haven’t written a blog in awhile, gracias! I am happy and grateful that you guys appreciate my opinions and writing. Hopefully this blog comes in at the right time for you as I feel it has for me. Mostly, because this topic has been looming around in my head for the past couple of weeks. So I said to myself,  “Self…maybe it is time to try to undo the knots in my brain and have this make sense.” And here we are.  So again, gracias! I missed you guys!

Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows how prideful I am. I mean, have you met my mother and father?  But besides that, the pride I am talking about es el orgullo de mi cultura. Mi Raices! Dominicano Soy!!! Bred and raised in my culture, I represent my roots to the fullest where ever I go. I’m rooted more than a sancocho con toda la verduras!!!  So naturally, when I moved to Cali, I took it with me. Without going into too much detail, I struggled here in Cali with not having the constant presence of my culture around me. But eventually, it came out from deep within my soul. Through my extended family here in Cali, music, food (it did up my cooking skills 10 fold!), I found my culture tucked away between missing my immediate family and a bottle of Brugal! Suena! But that’s a whole other blog. Again…Quisqueya hasta la guida!

One of the pinnacle moments of re-invigorating my sense of culture and pride was when I read ‘The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao” by Junot Diaz.

Recommended to me by some very talented writers and artists, I embraced the book as a mother would a child. It became a piece of me. I don’t think I had ever connected with a book as much as I had with this one. And mind you, being away from home just intensified the importance of the book to me. So naturally, I became the Junot Diaz groupie. Recommending the book to everyone I knew! Reading anything he put out, going to forums, discussions, readings, interviews, plays, etc.  Anything relating to the book, I made an effort to go. It just had that type of impact on me. Sure it helped that DR was all over it but I have to admit, for that moment in time I don’t think I realized the actual impact it had on me. I connected from the first paragraph. The book definitely intensified the embracing of my roots and culture, but it did more than just that. The story, the cultural references and facts about DR were already familiar to me. But the “real” impact  went deep, way deep.

Fast forward to now. The book has come back to me. Kind of like a zombie resurrecting from its’ grave trying to eat my brain! In a good way though, I mean…not like eating brains is good…or maybe it is….but its’ a metaphor...you know? OH, you get it! It returned to my life to remind me of the “real” impact it made when I was unconscious of it. I had recommended the book to one of my friends and when she finished reading it, it has been an all out "mental interperative dance" of the mouth.  Discussing our interpertation of all subject matters the book puts out; love, trauma, relationships, sacrifices, crazy ass families, cross cultural curses (FUKU!). And relating them to our own experiences. More discussion. Contrast, Compare. Disect. Discover. Revalation: Dysfunction is a muthafuka!!!!

So, how can i best discribe how deep it went. Well, I'll let Yunior tell you
 

“So, which is it? you ask. An accident, conspiracy or fukú? The only answer I can give you is the least satisfying: you’ll have to decide for yourself. What’s certain is that nothing is certain. We are trawling in silences here.”

Yunior, p. 243

So without sounding too "Matrix-y", here's my point. During my struggle, I was looking for answers. Answers to why things were the way they were. Did I make the wrong choices? Was I going to succeed? How the fuck did I end up so far away from home? Trying to make sense of all that exsisted at that present time and what I thought was going to happen. But I realized that all I had to do was.....nothing. 

Nothing but just sit with it.

Hard to do when I am a man with so many words and so many questions. I can barely lay in silence when I'm sleeping. But it definitely brought into focus that maybe, just maybe I didn't need to have all the answers. Maybe I just needed to sit and think...in silence. Maybe not having "silence" was my "fuku" and accepting it was my "zafa". Ugh....fuck you Junot! In a good way....

So here I am now, in another struggle but with a new vision. A new perspective. Hopefully strong enough to break a cycle that has been in my family for years.  The book put out the idea, and it left me to interpert it on my own. As any good book should.

Diablo loco....Great fucking book.

Let's see what your next book does for me. Heard its' about "love" again....

Coño! Ya yo veo!!!!!!! :p

 

 

 

Real Love and Real Hip-Hop

I am passionate about music, all types. Music is part of my life and it will always be. Lately though I have had a troubled relationship with one of my favorite types of music. And just like any relationship worth fighting for, I try….I try my hardest to be open-minded and give it a fighting chance. But it seems that no matter how hard I try, it keeps doing me wrong! UGH! What am I to do? <sniffle>. I mean, I love hip-hop. I love her so much. But I keep wondering if she loves me back.
Ice-T released his new hip-hop documentary “Something from Nothing: The Art of Rap”. Ice-T, considered one of the icons in hip-hop sent out some love! This brought back some nostalgia for me, remembering the days of “way-back-when”. When hip-hop was at its’ purest form. Fresh, brand new. I miss those days. The raw energy of what it delivered. The birth of a culture, a movement that will forever live in us. I grew up only a bridge and a couple of blocks away from the birth place of hip-hop. And even now when I go visit, it all comes rushing back. The feeling and the excitement I get. The urge to do what Kool Herc did; break out the speakers and the turntables right in the middle of the hood and start rockin’! People coming out to the sounds, dancing, vibing….feelin’! This is how hip-hop loved me and I loved her back! Such a good relationship!

Nowadays, I look for her anywhere I can, but its’ hard to find her. I mean, I look at today’s hip-hop artists and honestly, I don’t feel it. This is not the hip-hop I grew to love. I appreciate the effort but…I’m just not that into you. And frankly, Its’ you, not me! So, here’s the scoop:

Hip-Hop, let’s get reacquainted. Let’s go back to where we started! Like any good relationship worth fighting for, sometimes you have to go back to its roots. You have to go back to where it started to revisit what made us fall in love. What made us appreciate everything that contributed in the union of our sacred bond. The essence, the core….Real Love, Real Hip-Hop.

Below is a list of  movies/documentaries that I think are essential to bring the love back. Consider it the syllabus, the foundation of the journey to re-educate hip-hop of today.  Reference points that will help rebuild that love that once was. So that it can regain its identity and find love again! Hip-hop of today should take note that in order to call yourself “hip-hop”, you HAVE to remember where you come from. If you don’t, you are lost. But its’ all good, I’m going to help you! I’m going to help you find your way back to me because regardless…I still love you. Always have, always will. But we have to do some soul-searching. So….

 “What we gonna do right here is go back! WAY BACK! Back into time………”

Wild Style - THE one that put hip-hop on the map. Hip-hop 101. Actually, a little ahead of its time because in my opinion, the masses weren’t ready for it. You know, it was something new, something different. Equivalent to that new relationship and the feeling of those butterflies in the stomach when you see that someone special. Straight up: If you haven’t seen it, don’t talk to me about hip-hop. You don’t know any better!

Style Wars - Some of the friends I grew up who were graffiti writers put me up on this. It’s funny, every time I see this I swear I can smell Krylon, Pilot Markers and Subway tunnels. (Trust me, they have a smell!) This one blended the artistry of hip-hop well together. B-Boying, Graff, Music. This is equivalent to wanting to hold her and kiss her all the time! I have to see her!

Beat Street - The relationship is growing. I can see it, I can feel it. The connections are happening and Beat Street showed me. The love is real! It was the first “hip-hop” movie I had ever seen on the big screen! I feel the love! Had me hating “Spit” and screaming “Ramo” with Melle Mel and Bambatta! RAMO!!!!!!! Que amor!

Breakin’ - Like any good relationship, you have your ups and your downs. Some might disagree with me but I believe this was one of those hard times. BUT…there is value in looking at this and saying to yourself, “What did I learn?” “What good came out of going thru this?” Thank you Turbo and Ozone! Thank you for saving this relationship! Still a foundation to the growing love!

Krush Groove - Hard times again. Russell tried to show us what he had to go thru to make it big….keyword tried. I ain’t mad tho. Sheila E. for 90 minutes? I’m in. Plus, it did give us Force MD’s Tender Love. Finding real love is real hard, but we found it here. Way before Ree-Ree.

Rhyme & Reason - The middle of the relationship, with all its’ bumps and bruises sometimes finds its flow again. The mid 90’s in hip-hop (in my opinion) represented “scratching the 7 year itch” theory of relationships. I fell for her hard all over again!!! Hip-hop was good, really good! Just like make-up sex! This documentary came at the right time. Watch it!

The Freshest Kids - Homage. Brilliant. Heartfelt. Passionate. Incredible. Just buy it. Trust me. This is the picture that you keep in your wallet to keep reminding you of what once was, and always will be. Hip-hop….you have been so good to me.

Beats Rhymes & Life: The Travels of a Tribe Called Quest
Reality is sometimes cruel to love. There are moments in time when relationships end and they are heartbreaking. You remember all the memories that you built along the way and then for some apparent reason, it crashes and burns. Then you ask yourself “What happened?””Why?! Why are we going thru this? I thought you loved me!!!” Loss is hard. Knowing what you once had and see it go thru this is hard. I love Tribe. They represented hip-hop to the fullest. From the street to the heart. Abstract, original. But this reality hits hard and its’ hard to see them go thru this! It hits hard because there is REAL love! You know there is. Dayum! Why? WHY?!

I hope this makes sense hip-hop. All the above represent those elements in our relationship that make us strong. I believe we still have it but I'm not to sure you do. I hope this trip down memory lane helps you understand that this is important to me, as it should you as well. It means how long we will strive and last. Hip-hop, listen to me:

When will we find love again Hip-hop? Will it be tomorrow? Next week? Next year? I’m gonna keep it real with you Hip-Hop, I hate thinking about going thru the rest of my life without you. I know I have to be strong and know that there is a possibility you might not come back. But like real love….I have hope and faith. I have enough love in me for the both of us, even if you don’t. The people that represent you right now don’t know what you and I have been thru. They have no idea what we are all about. But I don’t blame them because they don’t know any better. Ignorance is their bliss but not my reality. Not our reality.

I love you hip-hop. Please....love me back!

I know, I know..... its’ hard to find the words So, I’ll try to say them the best way WE can both understand.

Real Love, Real Hip-Hop!!!!

My Most Intimate Relationship

I can talk about relationships all day. The ability to share, listen, enjoy, debate.....it is intriguing to me. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships but just relationships amongst people; family, friends and the bond that they share. I have come to realize the gravity relationships have on people in their lives and how much of an intense interest I have in discussing them. Maybe it is because I'm so far from those that I love? Maybe it is because I am paying much more attention to the relationships around me? But even then, most of the recent conversations revolve around how to grow and build on them. Also to figure out what works and what does not. It has been a critical part in my work these past 10 years; to learn, grow and build relationships with young people. I've learned that it is essential, not only for work but in life; to learn about the relationships you keep and hold. It also helps to understand how many different types there are. For example in my life, I have many but each one is treated and handled in different ways. For instance, how I treat my relationship with a young person as a mentor is different than the one that I have with my friends; so on and so forth. Basically, this is all extremely interesting and fascinating to me.

Lately, I have been in "relationship discussion" over load. Don't get me wrong its' not a bad thing but I have been surrounded by many conversations and mind-numbing thought processes that have left me dizzy, literally. Most of these discussions have been insanely intense. Some discussions have been in dealing with difficult partners, some in dealing with feelings and opinions that contradict personal values. Others have been in trying to find ways of identifying these personal relationships and giving them labels, like "friend", "best friend", "best-best friend", (I never really got the idea of "best-best" :p). Tears have been shed, crude truths have been exposed and patience has been tested. All in all, these have lead to long hours on the phone or 2 drink minimums. But point is, the topic of relationships is a complex and sensitive one.

So naturally, when my co-workers and I collaborated with a local health center to provide the young men in our program with a workshop in building healthy relationships, I was all in! (For the kids of course.....really.....its' for the kids.) Now, granted I consider myself to be a "self-proclaimed" guru in the area of building healthy relationships (To my credit, I recently had a 3-hour conversation about conditional/unconditional love and I got a SADE BRING ME HOME LIVE DVD for my insight....WINNING!!!) but let's face it,  as amazing as I think I might be....I don't know everything. I need some work. Especially now that my recent romantic relationship took me off guard and put me in a hole. So, I need to pull out that old toolbox and start working on some stuff that needs some tightening and re-touching. So, workshop time!  Let's go to the basics.

(For all you aspiring MFT's, Social Work or Psych Majors, this is based on the CERTS model) Reference check!  http://www.healthyplace.com/sex/good-sex/the-certs-model-of-healthy-sex/

  

Aspects of A Healthy Relationship

1. Communication - Not to brag but I have said this countless times in many of my relationships (including self, friends and especially romantic) if you can't talk about it, its' all bad. Once communication breaks down between 2 people, the ability to understand each other goes out the window. I think that is why at times, silence scares me. :p I always have something to say but it is mostly in part because I strongly believe that if we can talk to each other thru healthy conversation,  the relationship can become strong! So talk it up people! HABLEN COÑO!!!!
2. Equality - "What is good for the goose, is good for the gander." I believe in a well balanced relationship. Well, I am a Libra, So I do believe in balance of "all" but specifically relationships. I do get annoyed when specific gender roles are given in a relationship and people are held to them (Nuestra cultura haces esto demasiado!) Fair is fair. No one should be held to different expectations than the other person in a relationship. I've seen too many lop-sided relationships in my life, and most have ended badly. Those that haven't ended have lost the next point rather quickly!
3. Respect - The moment you lose respect for the person in your relationship, all other aspects crumble.  Learning to value a persons' opinion, ideas, feelings and not force your own is a sign of respect. As 2 individuals in a relationship there are times you will not see eye to eye on issues. This is what makes us independent within relationships, but we still have to respect this ideal if we want the relationship to work. You can agree to disagree, but still respect each other to build a strong relationship.
4. Trust/Confidence - This is a tough one, especially to those who have been "burned" in the past by others. I was in a long distance relationship recently and I remember my girlfriend asking me "How do you know I am where I say I am or I am with who I say I am with?" I basically answered " I have to have faith and confidence in what you tell me. If I don't have that, then we don't have a relationship." This has always been a tough one for me because I have been burned many times. But I have learned that in order to rebuild trust, I have to have faith that the people I allow to be close to me won't violate it. Tough but true.
5. Secure/Safe - If you don't feel safe in a relationship, GET OUT! Plus, its bad for the sex. :p The people that you surround yourself with should always be aware of their safety as well as your own. If people truly care for you, they will be sure to do what they can to secure your safety. People who are self destructive sometimes aren't great at this. I mean really, what is good about a relationship in where the person next to you could care less if you are there or not?

While all of these go into way more depth, I keep these ideals close to me when ever I look into my relationships. I learned these aspects a long time ago during my first therapy session, and they stayed stuck in my head ever since. Its funny how they have come back at a time and place where I needed to be reminded of them. Life is funny that way. That is why I decided to write this blog. Because I needed to remind myself (and probably some of my readers) that one of the most intense and meaningful relationships you can ever have in your life is with yourself. Think about it, all the above have to apply to yourself first. I never saw it that way back in the day. But now....because of it, I have become 10 times stronger, 10 times more powerful.....and now 10 times more loving! That is why my most intimate relationship is with myself. Punto. :)

I mean, let's keep it real....

How could you ever be in a loving healthy relationship, if you don't love yourself first? :) 

Next up: Love and Sex!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

A Life That Brings Life...

There are moments in our lives when we experience the gravity of what love does to us. Whether its your first crush, your first apartment, your first car (still working on dat...:P) but when you share that first love with some one or something special in your life, it is life changing. The impact is powerful. Its' hard to describe what it feels like but trust me it becomes embedded in the memory banks. Especially when life brings you those moments that remind you of that first time. In my experience, it becomes almost life changing all over again. Again, hard to explain, but I'll try.

(Bare with me, it may take awhile...but we'll get there....:))

One of the first times I remember ever falling in love was when I was 5 years old. I can't describe the feeling but I would say that it wasn't because of what I felt, it was because of what I did. My sister was about 3 months old. She was in the crib; my mom was somewhere in the apartment doing something. I was staring at my sis, reaching into the crib trying to get her to grab my hand. She wouldn't. She was knocked out. I wanted to kiss her but I couldn't get to her, so I did the next best thing, I climbed the railing of the bed to get to the edge and reach her forehead. Still fell short. So, I tugged on the blanket she was sprawled out on, pulled her closer to the railing. I climbed back up on it, gave her a kiss. I got back down but I guess that still wasn't enough. :/ Now, I'm fustrated. I wanted more. So, I took it upon myself to take my sis out of the crib. Success! How I did it? I'd be lying if I knew how but I did. I know I did because then reality set in after I had my sis in my arms.. "OH SHIT!!! MY MOM IS GONNA KILL ME!!!!!!" (Yo le tenia un miedo a mi mama..:P) Panic sets in and immediately I tried to find a place to hide. I tried to find a spot in the bedroom but no luck. I'd go to my room. Too obvious. Then pacing thru the hallway with my sis in arm, I decided to go to the world's worst hiding place, behind the couches. (I don't have a layout description but trust me, it wasn't that good.) I plopped myself down on the floor with my sis in arms, half scared and half proud of my mission, All I did was sit behind that couch and hold her. Time passed, my mom swore it was like an hour but I'm sure that was exaggerated. I don't remember exactly how long but I do remember holding her. My mom screaming out the top of her lungs but I guess I didn't hear her. Maybe it was fear? Maybe it was defiance? But it didn't matter, I had my baby sis with me. I'm not letting her go.

2 months ago, I was in the thick of my funk. I was heart borken. Heartbreak is a horrible experince. I always imagine it to be what Superman would feel like everytime he was confronted with Kryptonite. Powerless. (I mean, He's fucking Superman! What do you mean he can't stop fucking bullets?! Coño!!!) Heartbreak is debilitating. leaves you vulnerable. But in a sense, vulenrability is good. (See my other blog "I Surrender..."...self-plug! :)) But at this point in time, I was defeated, Superman on Kryptonite. I hear my phone ring. Its' my sis. We start off with "catch-up" and "what's new" type of conversation. Then my sis asks, "How are you doing? If you know me, this question is not a good one to ask.  I don't give the whole "I'm fine. <Insert fake smile> How are you?" all the time. I go in. Nothing held back. This is the question where da "REAL" comes out and if your not ready for it, preparate loco! . So, I start unloading. I think it took about 10 minutes of unloading. Kinda short for me...but give or take. Then my sis says "Well, prepare to be happy....."

"Are you Ok?".......I was speechless. I couldn't talk. The streams started to run down my face uncontrolably. I was trying to get the words in but they wouldn't come out. All I could get out were gasps. But finally something came out...."Oh my God Aileen....". More crying. My sis then says "Thats a good thing right?" More crying on my part. Now I start to sound like "the bumbling fool that was trying to explain the thing he didn't do but he actually did so he's going to stumble on all the words his brain is trying to push out of his mouth because they are all bullshit!" And finally, when that stopped, my mind went to the back of that couch. It almost felt real. I was back holding her. But this time, it was my sis's baby.

None of my heart break mattered that day. I went through mnd trips of memroies from that moment on. My little sis as a baby, my twin bro and sis as babies. My son as a baby. It made me feel alive. An awakening so to speak. as if to say: "I am sad, I am mad....but I live." This news gave me "life" while I was in pain. I continued to cry. But that good cry, you know? La lagrimas de uno desahogandose. It came out with nothing to stop it. After collecting myself, I basked in it. Talked to my sis some more but honestly I don't remember any of the conversation after that. It felt as if I was behind that counch again. Just taking it in....So beautiful.

My sis as a mom. I couldn't believe it. I knew it was bound to happen but I guess this is the way it was supposed to.happen. Perfect, because in talking to her....she sounded happy. She is going to be an incredible mom.  It makes sense to those who know her. And I know my sis. I know her character, her personality, her drive, her passion, her strengths, her weaknesses....I know her. And I can tell you, my niece (YES!!!!!!! NIECE!!!!!! :) or nephew...:p) is going to be an amazing child. I know it because my sister is that. Simply amazing...through and through. We have fought many battles together, gone through hell together, cried, laugh, drank...(ahem....no more right Aileen?) ...been though a lot. And here she is....still standing. And now standindg proud and tall.... a soon to be mom.

I love you baby sis! I will try to be the best uncle I can be! Congratualtions!

BTW, Alejandro is asking if the baby can get here already. He wants to meet her! (YES, I SAID HER DAMN IT!!!!!!!!) :)

Here's My Mixed Tape! !! I'm Da Best DJ!!!!

I love D.J.'s. I grew up around DJ's most of my life. My cousins' were DJ's, my friends were DJ's, I was just constantly surrounded by the culture. And what I especially loved about hanging with DJ's (besides sharing in all the sounds) were the discussions that happened about music. It almost seemed endless on where you can go in these conversations. We would spend hours talking music; which blends were our signatures, what was "hot" right now, technique in crafting our tapes...it was DJing 101, 201, 30, 401 all day everyday!
The beauty of these conversations in my opinion were the mixtapes. Now, in this day and era a mixtape is usually found on a cd or mp3. Naaaaaaaaaaaaah man, I mean "MIXED TAPE"!

For all you young bucks and new "Super Digital DJ's" (Not hating, I like the medium and use it...:P) A mixed tape was a DJ's calling card. His signature, his way of showcasing his talent to the masses without the party. These were crafted rigorously all day everyday. I remembered we would spend hours trying to perfect our mixes. Editing your mixes was unheard of at one point. Sometimes we would have to go thru marathon sessions to get thru a 30-45 minute set without going off beat or fucking up a scratch! If we did....."AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCK!! WE GOTTA START AGAIN!" Fun times! But the finished product was the reward. My best memory was taking that freshly made tape, playing it on my boombox and hitting the street! The power of your creation was transformed as soon as it hit the street. People would gather around, start boppin, dancing, feeling the blends and eventually they would ask...."Yo, Who made this?!?!" It felt sooo good to say it! "I did." That sense of creating something and people enjoying it. That's the element that made me fall in love with DJing. I was hooked forever.

If your mixed tape was felt, people wanted it. Then I would have to "dub" it and give it to people. I never charged for mine but as time passed, DJ's did. In my opinion, It was pretty special if a DJ gave you one. I think it was almost as if to say <in a Morgan Freeman voice> "You are worthy of my creation!" Plus, DJ's would put their own personal touches. I personally would graff all of mine and title them. But each DJ had his own niche and would add his or her own creatvity to them. Some would be spray painted, some would use "White-Out" (I never got that but....to each his own!), glitter markers, stickers.....I could go on and on. I prefered black markers, permanent markers. Just to make sure NO ONE took mah shit! :p DJ's just went all out on them! Mad Fun Yo!!

The Mixed tape also showcased your talents to other DJ's and the battles of the best mixtape would ensue! "YO! You heard AL KRAZE's mixed tape? That shit is FRESH!!!!!!!!" Yeah but you heard PT's mixed tape?!?! That shit is PHAT!" Oh man, mixed tapes flying everywhere letting the neighborhood know "Who's the best DJ?!?!?" The mixed tape pitted DJ vs. DJ. This is where it got heated but the benefits would be be legendary. I remember DJ's setting up block parties, hookey parties, outlaw parties, apartment parties, party, party, PARTY!!!!!!!!!!! I remember just setting up anywhere we could find an outlet and an open space! BOOM! Party! Once a party was announced, POW, the DJ entourage would show up. In my particular crew we had an "Offical Amp Watcher" (they would make sure your volumes didn't over heat the amplifiers....seriosu stuff :p) and "Offical Crate/Record Carriers". A lot of work went down with these parties from promotion to location! These were the DJ's stages and they would determin who would be the best DJ. Again, the results...legendary parties. These urban legends would emerge and the tales of these parties would linger thru the neighborhood like the smell of hot summer city garbage. MAD FUNKY!!!!!!!!

I would live for it, day in and day out! I would be on the look out for the next party or next gig. And if one didn't come, FUCK IT, LET'S MAKE ONE!!!!  And at these parties, we would pop open the tape deck, put in that fresh cassette and hit the record for the LIVE and DIRECT!

<Rustling of the mic heard on the tape> "YEEEAH! THIS THE DJ AL KRAZE ON THE WHEELS OF STEEL! LET"S TAKE YOU ON A RIDE!!!!!!!!" LET'S GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing beat that feeling, till this day...I still get that surge. That feeling of enjoyment while I play and create....that mixed tape....

I'm Da Best DJ....:)

I Surrender....

I swear I have been ramming this video down my friend's throats since one of my besties sent it to me. I watch or think of it almost every week, its' borderline an obsession. Pretty soon, I'm going to be able to recite it word for word. It is a "heady" video which is why she sent it to me. I love shit like this!!

If you haven't, you must :)

It talks about human connection, behaviors and thoughts that are rarely spoken about - how we use them to make connections and learn more about fear, worthiness and my personal favorite.....love. She was doing research on shame and vulnerability which had her realize certain things in her own life. As often we do in our lives, when we experience these epiphanies as she has, it can change our view of the world and how we handle it going forward.

First off, let me just say that growing up in my household, their existed a realm of things you just don't talk about. I especially encountered this when I would try to ask my parents about things like sex, their personal history or on-going family drama. It was almost a sin to discuss and when I often asked questions,  the only comment that followed was "never question your mother and father". Ugh, I hated that. Especially being the person that I am. Always asking questions, always trying to get to the root of things. Plus, I wear my emotions on my sleeves so....double ugh. Anyway, I connected to this video on such a personal level. It made so much sense, hit to my core because I have felt "vulnerable" and "fear" countless number of times in my life, including now. I have also watched my family and people I love struggle with the idea of embracing fear and vulnerability. They struggle hard with it and have such a hard time saying they are sorry. It pains me. I understand no one wants to deal with pain but....to sit with it and live in it?.....It hurts me to see/hear that. It leaves an unsettling feeling in my stomach.

The ability to feel is natural. Negating what we feel and ignoring our emotions are what I believe causes our pain. I know that in my last relationship, this was a common discussion. During my life time, I have learned to embraced what I felt but can understand how painful it can be not to. I just developed an ability to talk about it and work thru it because I know it helps to get out the pain. Some people just don't like talking about what they feel because it reminds them of pain. I guess that's why I am constantly "talking" about how I feel, what we feel and blah blah blah. :) Even thought the world doesn't revolve around our emotions, it does make a world of difference on how we see it. Even if it is too painful, I talk thru it. I always encourage my loved ones to. I just know its hard to put ourselves in that realm of being vulnerable. It subjects us to so much if we have had it rough or haven't dealt with our issues, our pain...but then again, what doesn't subject us to pain in this world? We can't guarantee that we won't be hurt.

At times, I feel as if I am constantly looking for a guarantee and the need to "predict and control", so am I truly living within the path of whole heartiness? At times, I believe I do let that control go, I believe that's why I am out here in Cali. I felt I took risks and chances because I know that within the journey, I would open myself to joy and possibly happiness. But now I understand that there is no guarantee just because I do, There is so much that I've learned because of the journey of embracing the risks. Whether it be a new job, a new home or even a relationship, entering whole-hearted without fear has its advantages.

I'm still learning as I go and that's the beauty of it. I have many friends who say the most amazing things about me; who encourage me, love me and continuously praise my efforts. They tell me constantly, and honestly I am humbled every time I hear it. Making me feel vulnerable. After their praises, what sets in is probably what my biggest struggle is right now.....fear.  There is a lot that I fear, but then again those of us who have grown up in trauma do; constantly. I just have to keep reminding myself to embrace the fear, embrace being vulnerable and understand that guarantees can only happen at Best Buy or car dealerships (and even those aren't 100% secure :)). Its' hard....God knows its hard. But I'm going to continue to try. I have done it. A lot. And I will continue to do it...

Fear...I Surrender...

Now off to see "Brave"!!!

Music Soothes The Savage Beast....

I've been in quite a funk these past few months. Life's hitting hard; heart-break, home-sick, pennies running tight....just struggling mentally, emotionally. I've been trying to find many ways to occupy my time to keep the "fuku" from coming in. Reading, writing, walking, talking, re-connecting with old friends.  Actually, this whole blog is part of my self-medication, but one thing that has been essential to helping me cope and deal with life's bullshit has been music. I don't know what I would do without it. Music has represented such an important part of my life and struggles, then and now. I always turn to it. It has been THE best relationship I have ever had! Sure, we have had our ups and downs, but it is always there to give me what I need, when I need it. It tells me what I want to hear at the right times and also tells me what I don't need to hear. BAH!!!  Aye mi musica, como te adoro!!!

This morning, I wasn't feeling like myself. Angry, mad at the world. I was already regreting the day before it started. Yeah, one of those. As I was getting my son ready for his day at camp, I was recalling a song that I couldn't get out of my head since yesterday. You know those moments when you hear a song and it just doesn't stop playing in your mind? This song hsa been in there since Yesterday!!!!!

I started to play it in the car. <Interactive experience option at this point...play the video>

My head starts to bop. I start to hum softly and my hands start to tap on the streering wheel. My senses are hightened. I can tell because the sun feels bringther, I feel every bump on the road from my hands to my feet. I roll down the window to catch the breeze as I speed up. My eyes open wide.  I start to feel good, I'm in tune. My mind has just been emancipated from the daily struggle. I'm in the zone....I have been submerged in Michael and Stevie's world by way of Quincy. The last thought on my mind is of pain and hurt. Now, it is all about the feeeling. The beat. The mood...

"...I can't help it....."

Then I remembered this video my friend sent me. Its about how a therapist at a nursing home gave her seniors I-Pods to listen to music they enjoyed.

"So, In some sense Henry has restored to himself...he has remembered who he is and he's reaquired his identity for awhile throught the power of music." (4:58)







I felt like Henry. I did. For those 5 minutes of Michael, I felt like I was brought back into myself. It made me happy, it made me want to share what I felt. I felt whole! Not a care in the world....

And THE defining moment of my ride and realization of the power of music.....

"Daddy, can you play that song again?"

Te adoro mi musica!!! I can't help it....

Daddy Duties...

As Father's Day has come and gone; the memories of “the day of dad” dwindle into past lore, I feel obligated to share my thoughts and help preserve the memories for dear ol' dad. It has been an on-going journey for me of what it is to be a father; who feels that he is "not yet complete". More so a "work in progress" The memories and adventures that I have built within these past 8 years of fatherhood has given me a surge of inspiration to share my opinions of what it is to be a father. Especially a father who has to co-parent in separate households. I have had many conversations with friends alike who are in similar situations of "co-parenting". We agree it isn't an easy task. especially for dads. I believe that father's get the short end of the stick in the world of parenting. Mostly in part because of the "single-mom household epidemic" which plagued the past decades but also the stigma of "deadbeat" dads that spread like wildfire in prior years. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch applies here. Thing is, there are father's like me who have done the opposite of what was to be expected. And honestly, it takes a lot of work. Mentally, Emotionally, Financially, Physically. You name it. These are things that take a toll on a man, let alone a father. Don't get me wrong, they do on mother's as well, 10 fold even. But today, I'm just talking about dad's right now, a father's day....My day.
7 years ago, I traveled 3,000 miles to perform what I believed was the "right" thing to do, help raise my son. I left a lot, I left my life, my family and my home. This level of self-sacrifice is what I believed was (and is) good parenting. It was necessary. I remember telling my mom I was moving to California, she freaked. Tears, silent treatment, tears again. A very long, emotionally drawn out process. My dad on the other hand basically asked me one question, "Are you sure?" When I said "Yes" he basically followed up with "What do you need help moving?" At this point, I understood that there were 2 totally different perspectives of parenting. 2 different styles. I grew up 1/4 of my life in a 2 parent household, while the other part was a split between chaos and mayhem of "co-parenting". Mostly dysfunctional but I was old enough to recognize the pros and cons of it. While my mom bitched and complained about parenting technique, my dad seemed non-phased or at least gave the appearance of it. I didn't know what he felt, he rarely discussed parenting. He just pretty much did it. Movie here, Park there, Eat here, Play there. Hug, love. Until the next time. Not much of a disciplinarian, he just gave a "look". It said a lot, struck fear in the heart even if he wasn't a violent man. He wasn't a stringent man, just a stubborn one. My dad tried to enjoy life as much as he could with what he knew and had. No complaints, just do it and move on. All in all, a good dad; even with all the defects and glitches life gave him. I didn't expect words of wisdom from him when I moved but now that I look back at it, it was enough.  I recognized that this is how he fathered and little did I know they reflected back to me as who I would be as a father.

I look at my son everyday and wonder "Man, did I fuck him up?" His mom and I lasted only one year after moving to Cali. He was only 2 then but I still would ask that question from time to time. His mom does the best she can, but honestly, I couldn't expect her to hold down the responsibilities of what I was supposed to teach him. Sure, moms can help raise young boys but in my experience, they can't teach them to be men. I wound up spoiled by my mom. Not only did I have powers of the "first born" but I was mommy's little prince. She guarded me, protected me, provided and took care of me with everything that she was. "Yo soy mas madre que mujer...." (I am more mother than I am woman....) was her battle cry. And she sang it with pride!! The paladin of my life, my protector. Problem was... the qualities she showed were that from a perspective of a mother. Not a father. Big difference. My dad was that the warrior to her paladin. All action, few words. Through-out my whole life, my dad was there. Not at home but in presence. He always made sure that I knew he was there. You see, my dad made it very clear to me thru his actions that he would be "there" even if we couldn't find him. His struggles took him on his own journeys but his presence was always felt with me. Thru divorce, drinking, drugs, etc. My dad showed me what a man does when he is a father, with few words, all actions even thru all the bullshit. I got the message; "I will always be your dad, I am here." And when his hypocrisy trumped his philosophy, he bandaged it up with "No hagas lo que yo hago, hagas lo que digo." (DO as I say, not as I DO). A man of action and few words who said not to do what he does but to do what he says. As crazy as it sounds, it worked. In more ways than one.

Fathers are a critical piece in our children's lives, we fill the void between Mother and child. We shape our children's views of what a man is and what they should be like in this world. The qualities that we show our children are just as valued as a mother’s even if we aren't around. Young boys/men often look up to other men to have an idea of how to think, act and show the world what a man is like. Young women often look to their fathers as templates of what men are and what they represent in their lives. Children see their father’s as examples of what to be and what to look for in men. (The absence of this being called "Daddy Issues" in ghetto tales and not just a stigma singled out for women) Fathers are vital, And our duties as dads go a long way in our children's lives. Especially our young boys. My dad's philosophies and ideals as a father weren't perfect, but they worked. I consider myself to be a good father, My efforts are recognized on Father's Day on a national stage but honestly, it is recognized everyday. Everyday that I am with him, play with him, hold him, talk to him. Just letting him know, I am there.....for him.

Daddy duties shall continue no matter where life takes me.

You See, What Had Happened Was....

....I felt the need to be heard.

Ah, finally. the blog-a-sphere! I think this is my 3rd attempt at it. Kept putting it off because of this thing called life but then again, that's just an excuse. I am attempting to start this thing off and continue to partake in it as often as I can. Briefing you with the happenings and the often opinionated points of view I have of daily events (or weekly, depending on my moods). I have been suggested by friends that I should keep a blog going since they were interested in many things I had to say in various different realms. Honestly, they just asked me questions about my personal quotes/theories and told me to write about them. So here I am. Writing. Putting in words the things that make my head hurt. My daily experiences, grievances and opinions about about love, relationships, things I read, daily occurrences, my culture and then some. Really, there is no holds barred since I think I am pretty interesting if I do say so myself. I know some may agree. Not all but some :) ..... well, so I have been told. Hopefully my readers will too.

So let this be the first of many posts about the in/outs of my days and the journey that is me. Feel free to comment, critique and post with your hearts desire. My need to be heard can only be complete with the voice of the many that flock to my blog! So please, join in and have fun! I know I will. :)